gospel, lament, poetry, promise

What If I Believe Too Much

That you would love me ever. Even if I went astray. Wander through the darkest caves. Not far enough from your reach. Black to white there’s nowhere lost. And you won’t lose me. 

What if I have steadfast trust

That you would call me always. Stalking never tiring of reaching for my hand. Even when I slink away. Selfish, angry sad alone. You can’t reject your faithfulness even if I do. That I know. About you.

What if I don’t sing your songs

Or call your name. Or tell your tale. It would still resound as truth. You never wanted me to set your stage. Never-needing self-emotion non-affected. My silence doesn’t sting like yours. Inconsequential sounds. From my lips.

What if I’m the one you hate

The one whom you don’t choose. There’s another who loves your love greater than I can admit. Where my attraction has faded. Where I watch her feed on your bounty. Where I starve and weaken. But I won’t cry or lift a knife. It’s who you are.

What if I am angry

That your love doesn’t care. Sinai and Calvary wrestle on the ladder. And I’m a mess in the between. You forge ahead, the uncaring timeline. Because you’re always right. And good.

What if I am yours

And know I can’t escape. That I will choose the wrong. And you will choose to hunt me. That I will play the whore. And you’ll still dress and clothe me. That I can’t unbelieve. Even if I want to.

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