Broke

Expectations deceive. 

But it is hope that will kill you. 

He thought of her often. In the moments when he wasn’t working. When was he not working? Maybe he didn’t think of her that often. Actually. 

But with the uncharted eternal milliseconds of remembrance, came with a sharp ache in his gut. Maybe that was deep in his heart, or maybe it was the seat of his soul; so inexplicably bottomless that it couldn’t be forgotten. So sincere that perhaps it shouldn’t be addressed. 

Push it down. Turn it off. Work harder. 

But when he did think of her, he fought to remember why he should forget. The shame. The patterns. The incompatibility. The anger of losing his own life. Those are the memories to manifest. So that he was not overtaken by regret. The vulnerability. He trusted. To her.

All in all, this was always a losing battle. 

For him. He stood justified. Since he was held accountable for the story he told. He is creator. He speaks, and it is so.

For her. He did listen. He felt her fear. Once upon a time, he made it his truth. He felt her love, and made it his too. Until the moment he had to choose. Between his value in time and a love that would break him. 

Love is built it that way. To break.

Built to break and built to be broken. Expecting the end as soon as it begins. For him and for her. Hoping for different, even though they all will all play the same game. Trauma and healing. Attachment that was and will be. Replaying. Reprogrammed. Something. Shatters. Every. Time. 

So for him,

It was time to find another way to be broken. With hope that he would be smarter, more disciplined, or just luckier in love. With hope something he could find would stay together. With hope a new connection wouldn’t end in death or divorce, as all the best do. With hope, he looked for another warm body to break, or to be broken by. 

Not intentionally, not immediately, but in the end.

It all breaks.

So

Taste slowly

Breathe deeply

And enjoy every second

Before the broken.

Don’t blame

Don’t be ashamed

And don’t despair

Expectations deceive.

Hope may kill.

But love endures forever.